Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
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