You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
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