My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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