She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
