i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Randomize
