I don't usually arrange sex via text message
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
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