we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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