I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
i now understand why vodka
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Randomize
