god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize