Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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