It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Randomize
