Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Randomize
