oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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