No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
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