Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
