Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
