Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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