My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
