So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
This couple is walking their pig around campus
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
