Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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