You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
sex in a hospital.. check
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
