hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Randomize
