remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Randomize
