you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
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