I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
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