It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
