happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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