This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
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