Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
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