i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
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