remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
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