hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I'm experimenting with sincerity
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
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