If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Randomize
