I've blown a few things in my day
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
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