my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
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He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
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how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
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