fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Randomize
