chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
