I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
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