last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
