Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
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