i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Randomize
