Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I wish they made helmets for livers.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
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just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
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I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
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