Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
