You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
