Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
