My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
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