Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Randomize
