YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
