so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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