I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
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