do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Randomize
