It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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