I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
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