Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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