He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
