life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Randomize
