i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
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This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
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I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY