Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I cut my penus on the lid.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
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Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
15 Times “Flight of the Conchords” Made You Feel Better About Being a Twenty-Something
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?